I'm so sick of being ignored. Here's a picture for fun. I look like I'm eight.


Wendel is tearing up his cage like you wouldn't believe. I just cleaned it today to. Mitchie Mu Shu slept on my legs all night so that means I had to sleep on my back which means that I had trouble breathing all night. Today is a shitty day and it just started. Seriously, fuck this.

I haven't posted in a really long time... I'm sure no one cares because no reads this seeing as it's just my way of hiding things from the people I should actually share them with. I try to pretend that this is a real journal but it's just bullshit. It's no better than hiding a notebook under my mattress, which I do by the way. I also have one in my purse and make locked notes on my phone on a regular basis. I am so lame.
I start school in late August and I'm really nervous about it. I took a tour of the University of Iowa May 8th and it was huge. At least ten times the size of my last school if not more. I'm probably just being a Negative Nancy but I have a feeling that I can't do it. Normally I'd pretend that I could do it and fly by the seat of my pants but I don't see that happening this time.
We got a lovely house in Illinois and then the landlord backed out and didn't even tell us. I panicked. Eric was relaxed as always. We found a new apartment within a day. I like it much better anyways. The apartment complex has a pool so that always makes everything better. We move in June 5th.
My asthma has gotten completely out of control lately. I can't lie down without suffocating. Literally. I've gone through two inhalers this month and normally it takes me two months to go through one. I'm getting an in-home nebulizer. It makes me feel old. I really wish the doctors could figure out what was causing my asthma to be so ridiculous.
I'm pregnant. I hate myself for it. I bet everyone knows even though I've told a total of three people. I'm having a c-section July 17th to make sure Eric can be here. His name is going to be Oliver Finch. I'm happy but absolutely terrified.
Davey hates me. I guess I finally got what I wanted. Davey and I haven't talked since December. It's the longest we've ever gone without talking. It's for the best though. We don't belong together. We're miserable when we're together. We just keep doing it because we're comfortable with each other. Davey's the only person that I've been comfortable enough with to be naked in front of during the day time. I'm absolutely positive he's happier without me. And I'm sure that once I'm not all hormonal I'll be absolutely happy too.
I mean, I love Eric. It's weird to say because I was sort of just thrown into a relationship with him. He thinks that this pregnancy is a sign that we should be together and I'm going along with it. He's taking care of me and this baby so I guess I can't ask for more right? He makes me happy most of the time. I just wish he got me more. I say something jokingly and he thinks I'm serious. I call him up all excited over something stupid like how I just saw an amputee and Eric's just like 'WTF?' whereas Davey would go off on a rant with me about amputees. I want Eric to do that. When I'm upset I don't want people to talk to me. I don't want to be touched. I just want people to sit with me and just know when start caressing my lower back. Eric doesn't know to do those things even though I told him.
I love Eric and I love this baby even though I didn't want him at first. And I'm happy with how my life is turning out even though it's not how I pictured it. I am finally loved.

I forgot my memory card adapter at school so here's a cute camera phone picture in the meantime.

What do you do when your boyfriend buys you a really expensive ring that you hate?

I tried to like it, I even pretended to for a while, but I hate it. I hate yellow gold. I hate pink sapphire. I hate sapphire in general. I hate hearts. I hate this ring.

On one hand I'm flattered that he loves me enough to get me a ring but on the hand I'm upset because I feel like he hasn't listened to anything I've said.

This is so stupid.

"You mean you were really jealous?" she asked him ten times or more, incredulously, as though someone had just informed her she had been awarded a Nobel Prize.
Before long, unfortunately, she began to be jealous herself, and he saw her jealousy not as a Nobel Prize, but as a burden, a burden he would be saddled with until not long before his death.

I feel threatened by every pretty girl on the street now.

She began to teeter as she walked, fell almost daily, bumped into things or, at the very least, dropped objects.
She was in the grip of an insuperable longing to fall. She lived in a constant state of vertigo.
"Pick me up," is the message of a person who keeps falling.

I hate when I'm told to stop letting people bring me down. We live for people, I live for people.

I'm on chapter thirty-three of forty-six in The Handmaid's Tale


I don't talk to this kid anymore but I really like this picture.

1. I adore my bunny.
   I love him enough to change his name from Brindle to Wendel because Brindle was a stupid name.
   I love him so much that he is the background on my phone.
   This is what he looks like in case you've forgotten.
   



2. Eric always tells me to call him when I get up to go pee in the morning.
   Sometimes I don't do it because he annoys me when he's just woken up.



3. My cat is my best friend.
   I don't care how creepy-licious that makes me.
   We sleep together.
   She eats off my plate/silverware.
   This picture is courtesy of my mum.
   She actually took it while I was sleeping, sent it to my phone to wake me up, and then laughed when I yelled at her from across the house.
   



4. I would like to get this quote from Timequake tattooed on me at some point in time.
   The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
   Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
   Shall luare it back to cancel half a Line,
   Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.



5. I think I might make a new list like this every so often.

My little sister just sent me a text message and then called me to tell me she sent me a text message. This led me to the conclusion that twelve year olds should not be allowed the privilege of texting.
I should go to work in a half hour but I'm not going to. I am going to nap, go to dinner, shower, sleep, and then wake up tomorrow and fly to Illinois. I can hardly wait.

final note:


It's still snowing and gloomy.

Thoughts of the moment:

1. The Grande Quesadilla from Taco Bell is one giant letdown.


2. I'm sick.


3. I do believe I will be going to sleep in .5 hours.

The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Samson - Regina Spektor
Check Yes Juliet - We the Kings
Like A Star - Corinne Bailey Rae
Calling You - Blue October
Us - Regina Spektor
Lucky - Jason Mraz
My Beautiful Rescue - This Providence
Heartbeat - Scouting for Girls
Grow Old With Me - The Postal Service
You and Me Song - The Wannadies
Always Love - Nada Surf
Love, Love, Love - As Tall As Lions
The Girl - City and Colour



Sure, some of it is music that I don't like, but Eric likes it and I'm positive there's some songs on here that he doesn't like. Whatevers. It's for him -and- me on our long car ride.

My roommate just told me that she was moving out because she doesn't like my sleeping patterns. Is it strange that I'm more upset that she'll be taking the teevee with her than the fact that she's actually leaving? If it makes it any better it's really just because I can't get my teevee until I go home April second.